About Me

Dusk. Dusk is a darker shade of Twilight. Few people get through what I've gone through. Most people can't even handle tales of what I've survived.
My soul is Dusk.
My endeavor is to be forever vigilant against The Darkness.

THE PLAN for Labels

DUSK will be my works.
BONFIRE is...my mind.
PACER will be me rambling on. I gotta do it SOMEWHERE.
DQ will feature things that interest me.
SCROLL SEARCHING will be Scripture related research.
YONDER TO YOUR THOTS will be discussions on...stuff.
MY GLASS IS HALF... of me is for my wife and me.

has life driven me mad...LATELY:

  • Jan '08. Commenced blogging.
  • Jan '08. Returned to spiritual meetings. First time since...it's been a WHILE.
  • Dec '08. Factory shut down for two weeks; no pay.
  • Nov '08. Marriage on way out of darkness.
  • Oct '08. Started marriage counseling.
  • Sep '08. Found a good psychologist.
  • Sep '08. Returned to former Computer Integrator job.

Friday, February 22, 2008

A Kiss to Build a Dream On


Rain. Drizzling down.
Sluicing through pipes and gutters. Seething, crawling through the deathly-quiet desert. Sloshing off the tops of the palm trees. Desperado crickets chirping from the safety of dryness. An out-of-rhythm clock tick without the tock coming from what? - The light on the telephone pole. This brings the buzz of the power lines a little closer, just a little. The whorsh of cars sailing down the unseen street in the distance. The minute tickle-tackle of the neighboring gravel parking lot settling. A few nomadic pebbles and twigs migrating down various rivulets.


The lamp on the telephone pole borrowed from the memory of the boxy lights on the cafetorium in grade-school, only black instead of brown. The rectangle of light cast out of it is obscenely white; normally only illuminating the garbage bin. And moths, bats, and night-hawks. The clouds don't dominate the sky completely; in the distance are clusters of stars, suspended raindrops of light with their round edges sharpened, like burrs caught on the satin fabric of the atrous night. Palm trees. Pla-Doh rolled too long and used as trunks topped with giant pine-cones for beards, standing under the disheveled umbrellas of scruffy unkempt fronds.


The dust quelled, its specter nonetheless hangs in the air. The baked silicone smell contrasted with the sharp savory scent of creosote. The creosote nearly wreaking, like a collage of cacti, weeds, pine, patchouli, and Satan's Listerine. The palm trees odor is that of gritty pulp-wood and the fragrance they wear is the closest smell to grass out here.


The triple-digit air of the day warms the rain of the night. It loses its refreshing feel, and instead feels like a shower before work. Regardless of the sparse buildings and ample mountains, infinity crowds around. It gains strength from the darkness like Superman gains strength from the sunlight.


The vestige of garlic bread and fettuccine alfredo in our mouths.


Music. An idling engine, like quickened waves, high and low. The rain clatters clumsily over the corrugated steel top of the car-port. The popping, grinding, puffing of the A/C units. The fellow tenants oblivious in their apartments, distracted by canned laughter and inaudible dialog. Ever the sluicing of the rain in the gutters.


The apartments a cretaceous backdrop, teal trim pealing. Mini-blinds in all the windows, light in only some. Tawny metal framing the shadows that slip out: knick-knacks, cats, refrigerators. The dirt on the glass guides the journey of the run-off. The porch light is out-shined by the universal complex light, it in its cake shaped plastic casing on a twisted aluminum arm. The case has a jagged hole, seemingly from the same hulking moving-truck that bent the metal. The landscaping lights of the complex next-door cast up a ghostly mist, like dream scenes in old movies. The yellow safety pole by the back door, chunky cement pouring out of its iron tube, is slanted from having done its job. At bumper height, metal glints through – careless drivers! The cantankerous a/c unit has metal peeling away from a sharp slashing dent near its base. Somehow something slipped past its protector. It rests on unleveled concrete, a small tortilla chip shaped wedge slanting up. The rest of the porch's square slopes down. The car port matches the domicile's drab paint. Its shape is even more generic and forgettable. A blue stuffed bunny lies under the padlocked cabinets, forgotten.


The posts smell of stale wood and sun diluted chemicals. The smell of mold and mildew is virtually unrecognized. Even the metal smells dryer, so dry the rain can't generate rust.


Plip-plopping puddles. A Song. Pinging water pelting metal poles. The myriads of angels whispering sound of the rain.


Headlights. Stationary. Polygonal, lopsided fat diamond shapes delivering a soft, comfortable flavescent spotlight. The droplets carve through the air and cut the light into red, orange, yellow. Moist match flames without the sticks. The manufactured black color of the car. Tall, round, and compact like a dough ball. Cute, like someone else's puppy – a breed you'd never want to see as an adult.


Exhaust and sooty oil from repaired cars climb up the ladder of precipitation. They slip warily on its wet rungs.


Bodies swaying.


The warm rain tastes like a broth made of dust.


Flip-flop sandals plopping sloppy wet. The slide shuffle of the feet next to them. Swishing rain. A Song.


The blacktop is uniform in color despite the texture. The puddles that would be unavoidable temptations to children's feet if they weren't in bed are instead percussion to dancing feet.


Closer than the smell of cars is the scent of cotton, spent detergent, straining softener, and denim. The scent is warm—as if it were fresh from the dryer.


The rain is amniotic fluid to a baby. Scattered grain to a fertile field. The cushion of the shoes offers moral support. A neck supports a thick chain that slinks as the bodies sway. A ring on a finger, pressed to the back of the neck. The closest thing to cold. Earrings scratch his face, stubble scratches hers. He's nervous, afraid because he can't watch her feet. He's rebellious: who cares if we look silly! Who's gonna see us?


A wet wisp of her hair slips into his mouth when she repositions her head on his chest.


Rain gushing off their heads. The sandy voice of Rod Stewart croons his rendition of “A Kiss to Build a Dream On”. The air that's pushed out with a smile wafts up to his ear. Their breathing is steady, synchronized. Their shoes squelch like soap on a bathing body. Their clothes slurp on them like a tongue on ice cream. A moist whisper is emitted from skin being caressed. The rain pips off their arms, clips on their ears. His chain zigs from time to time, sounding like a zipper.


She is short with full round inviting curves,cartoon-round emerald eyes, a petite nose, and lips that pay homage to Raphael's cherubs. He feels her fragility as he pulls her warmth closer to him. She has a wondering look in her eyes: Is he the one? Her adorable feet are exposed in the pink flip-flops. Toes huddled together like puppies snuffling at the door while Master matches key to lock. The wet fabric of their clothing acts like adhesive urging them to bond closer still, accentuating feminine lines and masculine contours. The round stone of the engagement ring is in a vintage setting. It flashes between a shimmering glint and a determined shine, a promise versus an oath. Her earrings are cheap fake gemstones. Her mascara is running, but not from tears. Her head beneath his nose has that shampooed smell that only a girl can manage. A scent that every man fantasizes about. Her skin makes him hungry with its apple-pear lotion coating.


Their skin is warmer than the air, cooler than the rain. He uses her goosebumps as an excuse to rub her body with his hands. Their knees rub each others thighs, enticing. Her eyelashes tickle his cheek as she blinks away the rain. Finally, when their eyes lock, they're too close for their lips not to brush. His hands slide up to the back of her head pulling her in, then down her arms to her elbows stopping the dance. This kiss is special. It is a solid foundation. Hopes will rest on it. Dreams will be built on it.

Identity of a Man, Through a Woman


MOM
Chrysochlorous eyes, old beyond their years by several lifetimes. The rays of a warm sun after a cold winter morning were the curls around her face. When she made herself up she was the most beautiful woman on earth, to her son. A smile, always too quick to spring to her lips - always just beneath a surface. She couldn't get a good job because she dropped out. She couldn't keep any job because she silenced her doubts with crack cocaine. When she lost enough jobs and wracked up enough warrants, she'd run. She'd gotten good at it; she ran away from home at 14, she ran away from her first child - her daughter. But there must be something there, whether it's guilt or a hunger for love. Because she dragged her son through it all. She never forgot to feed him (even if it was just barely edible); never sent him off to school without adequate clothing (she'd drop him in the Salvation Army box to fish stuff out), and always provided shelter of a sort ( a literal shelter, friend's house, abandoned building, tent, car, some man's house...). Of course she couldn't find a good man, but maybe she could change a bad one, if not herself. If they changed for the worse, she'd just run.

I didn't want a man, I just wanted her. Her lived in clothes and stale tobacco hugs, her chirpy singing in the morning, her ever-ready smile, her bedtime stories, her burnt food, the sun we shared after a cold winter morning warming the car we slept in up in the mountains.

I remember her pain. The pain in her eyes as she explained that she had to take Tylenol up her nose because her throat hurt - and that I should knock. The pain in her face when I said I'd rather live with Grandma; she had never hit me, let alone beat me, before that day. She told me in earnestness that I'd grow up to be smart and strong. How could she be so sure? HER son. What did this creature know of such things? This creature that was little more than a flickering flame at the bottom of a lantern's cracked and grimy cyclone?

GRANDMA
Warm chocolate chip cookies - my favorite - and Grandpa's promise of more to come if I chose to stay. But Grandpa didn't wear the pants anymore; he made a mistake with some woman in Thailand, and Grandmother castrated him with it.

I somehow still appreciate the savory smell of grilled onions, the nauseatingly clean smell of bleach, the superstitious smell of pot roast. It wasn't just pot roast that was ominous, it was dinner in general. The salty criticisms, snide remarks, the yelling and screaming that was invariably served for dessert. There weren't too many musical tones in that place. The ones I do recall seem ironic now, if you think about it: the theme songs to "Wheel of Fortune" and "Jeopardy".

Thin celeste colored ice on a sidewalk. That was Grandma's eyes; the cold and venomous eyes of a snake.

Her fluffy hugs and monochromatic moo-moos shielded diamond-bearing fists. The sweetness of chocolate-chip cookies was overcome by the coppery taste of blood in my mouth.

Toys, that could only be played with after chores. Chores that never stopped coming, unlike the chocolate-chip cookies. Two in the morning, dragged out of the guest bed I'd been sleeping in for 5 years now and beaten bloody again. I had left my ice cream bowl in the sink. Maybe this is why Mom was so hurt when I said goodbye, why she acted so scared. Maybe this is why Aunt Mercy is so weird.

SISTER
I know why the caged bird sings: it's supposed to. My sister didn't look like a bird, but to see her move commanded your thoughts to birds in flight. Unlike me, she was dark, long, sinewy, stream-lined. Her hugs were gentle, frail, bony, fluttery - like her voice. Her voice was fluttery, like she wouldn't dare express full confidence; like a caged bird always sounds out of place, because it's not free.

It was us versus the world. Unlike most siblings, the only rivalries we participated in were who could stuff the most Atomic Fireballs in their mouth, or who could shoot the most shot-glasses of lemon juice without making a face!

I fell in love with classical music watching at her recitals. I reaffirmed my demands for freedom watching her run her marathons. She always smelled faintly of some powder. Talcum when she was in ballet. Gold-Bond when she dropped it for track & field - despite the repercussions.

When she could no longer kowtow to Grandma, like our mother she towed her children around in search of a father-figure.

Her eyes were puddles of refreshing rain-water contained in mud holes.

AUNT
Aunt Mercy had eyes the green of used, dirty money. Her hair shone like polished gold. She had a sly smile. Her size belied her movement, which flickered like the candles she burned throughout her home. When she hugged you - or made contact at all - it was always distracted. Not like it was forced, but like it was restrained.

She gave me my first Snickers bar; salty-sweet, delicious. I also tried potato-salad for the first time outside her home - gritty, awful. Her home. She'd grow frantic if you disturbed the tassels on her throw rugs. Everything smelled of incense, scented-candles, disinfectant. She smelled of beer, and of the hunt. Despite her alcohol-slurred speech she spoke in soothing tones - the better to con people with, her means of living. I don't mind potato salad these days. I don't really care for Snickers, though.

Grandpa's body finally caught up with his spirit and died. Aunt Mercy was there when it happened; she was the only one in the room. She said his suffering had finally come to an end. He had known about the cancer for three weeks. Everyone understood. She seized all the property. Grandma had a stroke and fell into Mercy's custody.

Perhaps she finally felt empowered, controlling the fate of the woman who controlled her. If not, then maybe when she took her mother's life too. I wonder sometimes, if she ever felt love, or if she ever will. I wonder, too, if she'll ever be strong enough to show love. I intend never to find out; I know enough about the darkness to identify those consumed by it.

WIFE
Another woman. A different one, not family. This one brings the essence of musicality into my life.

As my body and mind fought over which gives me more pain, I was soothed by this girl as we danced in the rain. In my storm-tossed heart is a safe, quiet place built by this girl and her warm embrace. Because of this girl who hides my tears, I've accomplished the responsibility of my years.

She chooses only the prettiest songs to sing. She holds me at night, like I hold her in the morning. Laying beside me, through her language of hums, I've learned the specialness of sun on trees - and apple blossoms.

Though I'm often distracted by her loving sighs, I can hardly get mad when met by virid entrancing eyes.

Though she's already done it, she still tries to please me. Only she knows how I like my coffee! She prepares my “gourmet” meals for the entire week. Still, she says I'm the one who's humble and meek. She's able to clean our home phenomenally quick. But she'll take the time to make me chicken-noodle-soup from scratch when I'm sick. Unmatched as a woman - especially as a cook! Yet she can recommend (to any man) a good movie or book. So, I found the courage to love again, and I love her - as much as I'll love my children. And I'll be glad to share, with them, my best friend.

They'll grow up to be smart and strong, like my wife says I am in the songs she sings. Her view of me reminds me of a flickering light once calling a boy such things.

ME
My mother is still without a home of her own, though she knows now that she has someone who loves her. All people make mistakes. All the more reason we shouldn't be so unforgiving – especially with ourselves. Anybody can change, they just need someone to turn up their wick, help them clean up and let the light shine through.
But, then again, some people don't need to change themselves; they simply need to alter course.

When I could finally meet my own eyes in the mirror, I saw chrysochlorous eyes. I saw strength, intelligence, my mom.

I am a man. I am perhaps the first person in my family to find their identity.