Demon / Lover ?

12-28-08

Have you any demons
whispering your name;
dragging out the secrets
that you hide in shame?

Have you any monsters
taunting you by name:
actions so sadistic,
toying with their game?

Have you any angels
soothing you by name;
binding up your wounds,
firming limbs once lame?

Have you any close friends
speaking of your name:
praising you in public,
heedless of your “fame?”

I have heard these demons
whispering my name,
deep inside a dark heart
where they once laid claim

I was that dread monster
taunting me by name;
the grinding of my bones
left my spirit lame

So, then, who's the angel
soothing me by name;
treating me as special,
not some broken game?

You, my dear, my close friend,
whom I call my wife:
You soothed and bandaged me.
You; you saved this life.

Dash 1

Not that I'm giving my psychologist a Cer name, but I will refer to my psychologist as Dash.

It's coming along quite nicely, my mental re-acquisition. My personality has made a few steps in a positive direction. My marriage has made a several leaps in the right direction. And, I'm re-acquainting myself with all of my friends and associates. (Acquaint is an interesting word: it doesn't have an i directly after the seemingly inseparable qu).

We've been working on lowering my expectations of humanity. Hmph. It's easier to just have me lower my expectations; but it would be better if YOU ALL STEPPED UP YOUR GAME!

What ever happened to the days of courtesy and respect? Our conversation sort of revolved around a specific scenario: a person is laden with coffee; another person has the opportunity to hold the door open for them, ignore them, or cut them off. How they react is not of import, allegedly. What's important is how I react. Grrr. You'd better get the door for the person; otherwise I'm gonna fantasize about your timely demise.

Sapoem from Glass

I love you grey bear
You are so sweet
You always tell the truth
You never cheat
You are my sunny day
After years of rain
You are my day of peace
After years of pain
When I think of you
I remember times of joy
Like a tiny child
And a shiny new toy
You're my best friend
My soft place to land
No matter how far away you are
I know you hold my hand


We always write silly poems like this back and forth. More her than me, I'm sure you could guess. This one was written to me about ten days before what I quickly began referring to as my "nervous breakdown." I almost lost her. Worse, I nearly threw her away.

HOW I RATE THINGS, ESPECIALLY MOVIES

If you're anything like me, here's how you'll react. Essentially.

• 0: You'll want to destroy it.
• 1: You will regret it.
• 2: You will forget it.
• 3: You will enjoy it.
• 4: You will talk about it.
• 5: You will buy it.
  

P.S. I Love You

A movie starring a surprisingly attractive Hillary Swank, and our role model from 300 The King Leonidus, Gerard Butler. Let's not forget, the best actress alive at the moment, Kathy Bates. Nor should we overlook a convincingly spastic Harry Connick, Jr.

The movie was so damn sad, you'll end it wishing you had stock in Kleenex. Great! Gotta be the Best Dramatic Chick Flick I've seen.

"P.S. I Love You"
4 stars

Juno

I had yet to see any of these movies about a girl getting knocked up--including "Knocked Up." I can't stand it when the movie industry does that or allows that to happen. Like when "Saving Private Ryan" came out. Next thing you know it was "Hart's War", "We Were Soldiers", "Black Hawk Down", and so on.

So, my "week off", I can't find anything I haven't seen or am willing to see at Block Buster. My wife wants a movie, though. So I grab a chick-flick. "Juno". I figured I had to start sometime.

It turned out to be Unexpectedly Beautiful. But that didn't occur to me until near the end. More importantly, the dialogue throughout the movie was hilarious.

"Juno"
3 stars

WHAT’S YOUR LENS AND IS IT HELPING OR HURTING YOUR RELATIONSHIP?

From Straight Talk on Relationships

Often we have a view of our partner that does not serve our relationship well. For example, if my view of my partner is that he’s selfish then, if I’m not careful, I can easily interpret 90% of his behaviors as selfish.



In essence I could create a “selfish” lens from which I view all his actions. So if one day he forgets to take out the garbage, and another day he has a migraine and doesn’t take out the garbage, my lens doesn’t allow me to process the difference between those two different, yet seemingly same acts. My lens leads me to assume the worst from my partner which leads to greater frustration and negative feelings, on my part.



Seldom is this negative lens present in the early stages of relationships. In fact, when relationships are newer, we tend to see our partners through much rosier lenses; we’re more than happy to give our partner the benefit of the doubt. We see our partner’s actions as mistakes or perhaps an oversight. Rarely, at the beginning of a relationship, do we interpret our partner’s actions as out to get us, or selfish, or a sign of his or her lack of character. We simply deal with the behavior and try not to make it a huge issue.



This understanding however, seems to fade the longer people have been together. After years of living together, the rose colored glasses come off and are often replaced with a much more clouded lens that is, of course, skewed in the exact opposite direction. Now our assumption is that our partner does what s/he does because s/he is… (Fill in the blank), or because s/he just wanted to stick it to us. Seldom do we give our partner of several years the benefit of the doubt…and more often than not, we assume the worst.



Now, many people say they know their partner which is why their lens got the way it did. They will give me countless examples of how right they are in their view of their partner and will ask me a number of variations of the following questions: What if my partner really is _______? What if s/he really is just trying to stick it to me? In essence, what if my lens isn’t really skewed…it’s just real?



Here’s my reply… ready? It’s not real, you don’t know what your partner’s intentions are, and YOU”RE OFF. Take a moment to let that in.



The reason you’re off is because nobody is ALWAYS anything. No one is always trying to stick it to their partner, although there are times when this might be true. Nobody is ALWAYS selfish, ALWAYS irresponsible or ALWAYS_______ (fill in the blank) either…although they may be any one of these on occasion. The problem with having a clouded lens is that you see everything through that lens; you no longer see the whole person and you make dangerous assumptions of every imperfect behavior or interaction.



We’re all human therefore we’re all imperfect. Sometimes our imperfection is spiteful and sometimes our imperfection is just a sign of our humanity. Giving one another the benefit of the doubt by simply addressing the behavior rather than adding intent or character flaws to it actually helps our partner and our relationship. Imagine if your partner assumed you were on her/his side…even when you messed up? If your partner thought the best of you, rather than the worst, that faith is likely to actually bring out the best in you.



I believe that people rise or fall to the level of our expectations; the greater our expectations, the greater their performance. Stop assuming the worst about your partner and play with giving him/her the benefit of the doubt. Assume s/he is on your side and is just making mistakes because of circumstances that have nothing to do with you (i.e. childhood issues, stress, fear etc.). Assume that your partner’s mistakes are simply mistakes that need to be addressed and fixed, not passive aggressive attempts to get back at you or character issues that are permanent.



CHALLENGE: Play with the color of your lens for the next two weeks. Be determined to take your partner’s behaviors at face value and to not give meaning to them or attach some type of character flaw on them. Pay attention to any changes you notice as a result of this shift.

WE WEAR THE MASK by Paul Laurence Dunbar

WE wear the mask that grins and lies,
It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,—
This debt we pay to human guile;
With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,
And mouth with myriad subtleties.

Why should the world be over-wise,
In counting all our tears and sighs?
Nay, let them only see us, while
We wear the mask.

We smile, but, O great Christ, our cries
To thee from tortured souls arise.
We sing, but oh the clay is vile
Beneath our feet, and long the mile;
But let the world dream otherwise,
We wear the mask!

RICHARD CORY by Edwin Arlington Robinson

Whenever Richard Cory went downtown,
We people on the pavement1 looked at him;
He was a gentleman from sole to crown,
Clean favored, and imperially slim

And he was always quietly arrayed,
And he was always human when he talked;
But still he fluttered pulses when he said,
“Good-morning,” and he glittered when he walked

And he was rich—yes, richer than a king–
And admirably schooled in every grace;
In fine, we thought that he was everything
To make us wish that we were in his place

So on we worked, and waited for the light,
And went without the meat, and cursed the bread;
And Richard Cory, one calm summer night,
Went home and put a bullet through his head.

WHEN YOU ARE OLD by William Butler Yeats

WHEN you are old and gray and full of sleep
And nodding by the fire, take down this book,
And slowly read, and dream of the soft look
Your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep;

How many loved your moments of glad grace,
And loved your beauty with love false or true;
But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you,
And loved the sorrows of your changing face.

And bending down beside the glowing bars,
Murmur, a little sadly, how love fled
And paced upon the mountains overhead,
And hid his face amid a crowd of stars.

Prosthetic legs, please. Preferably titanium.

I've never been suicidal before. I've been drowning in depression. To the point of being catatonic, but I've never felt so much heaviness that I actively sought death.

Something about this year, though. Something about the added burden to the responsibilities of being a husband.

Before, any emotional turmoil was like beatings ending in broken bones. Incredibly painful. This, this was like looking down at your body after an especially nasty encounter, and not seeing your legs. Instead, you see your intestines spilled out where your legs should be. You can't imagine ever recovering. Ever being whole, complete, functional again. You wait, anticipating death's mercy. But it doesn't come. You should be dead by now. There's no way you should be able to survive this. Nobody should dare expect you to. The pain is so overpowering in its rawness, it's like you're choking on a cow's fresh heart, after it's been slapped against a cactus and dropped in the sand. Like you're a soul-scorched vampire drowning in a sea of blood.

A person in such a situation may conceivably find a way, just enough willpower, to drag their self to the cliff's edge. And over.

I just wanted to walk into the water and drift away. Like a broken walking stick, or arrow, or bow. My purpose lost.

It was a beautiful day, even I could see that. As such, the beach was overpopulated with swimmers, all too happy to deprive me of my leave.

That's when my survivor kicked in. I called for help from the professionals. Let's hope they find my legs. Or give me some titanium ones.

Clementine Paddleford

Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be.

Steven R. Covey

Before you wonder 'Am I doing things right', ask 'Am I doing the right things?'

Majorie Kinnan Rawlings

You kin tame a wild-cat &... a panther... You kin tame arything, son, excusin' the human tongue.

Dusk

In my endeavors to fry the big fish, I oft' forget how fun it is to bake the small ones!

Dusk

I am the sea in which I drown.

Mark Twain

Don't let your schooling get in the way of your education.

Montaigne

I have never seen a greater monster or miracle than myself.

Susan Ertz

Millions long for immortality who don't know what to do on a rainy afternoon.

Helen Maciness

Nothing is interesting if you're not interested.